Genius Famous (a commercial musical)

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1)	INTRODUCTION TO GENIUS FAMOUS
2)	GENIUS FAMOUS
3)	I'M THE SHIT
4)	I NEED A JOB!
5)	GOOEY PASTE BRAND TOOTHPASTE
6)	MILKSHAKE GIRL
7)	EXHAUSTIVE TREATISES
8)	FEEL PAIN MUSIC
9)	ANTI GUY
10)	CENTURION BLACK CARD
11)	I LOVE YOU
12)	FEEL PAIN MUSIC (REPRISE)
13)	NOT ME
14)	VORDENSTEIN IS GREAT
15)	IN THE GHETTO
16)	ACKNOWLEDGING AMBIVALENCE
17)	IT'S HARD TO LOVE A PERSON (WHEN THEY ARE SUICIDAL)
18)	HUNGRY EYES
19)	SPECIAL LOVE FOREVER
20)	ONE REEDEMING QUALITY

SONG: BIG LARGE HEALTH BENEFIT LADEN SALARY

SINGER #1:

I WENT TO ART SCHOOL
FROM AGE 8 TO 30
AND WHEN I GOT OUT
ALL I COULD DO
WAS SIT DOWN AND DRAW PICTURES

THE ONLY JOBS I COULD GET
WERE BARELY ENOUGH TO COVER RENT

SINGER #2:

I CAN SING AND DANCE
I BEHAVE WELL IN PUBLIC
THE ONLY WORK I COULD GET
WAS MAKING COPIES
AT THE LOCAL KINKO’S

LATER, I WORKED A TEMP JOB
AT AN INSURANCE COMPANY.

ENSEMBLE:

I NEED A GIG
I NEED A JOB
I NEED SOME WORK
THAT’S NOT AFRAID TO SAY

HERE’S A
BIG LARGE HEALTH BENEFIT LADEN SALARAY….

SCOTT:

I’VE GOT A LOAN.
OF MANY THOUSANDS
I GOT IT TO PAY FOR MY EDUCATION
BA MA MBA
FUCK IT…I WANT TO BE A HIP HOP ARTISTE
YOU CAN PIMP MY RIDE AND
SEND ALL THE BITCHES MY WAY

SINGER #3:

I’M 3 WEEKS AWAY FROM DEFAULTING
MY CREDIT IS IN THE TOILET
HAVEN’T SEEN IN DENTIST IN THREE YEARS
AND I AM NOT CUT OUT FOR
ALL THIS LIFE WITHOUT A CLEANING
AND I REALLY WANT TO KNOW

ENSEMBLE:

CAN I HAVE A GIG?
I NEED A JOB
I NEED SOME WORK
THAT’S NOT AFRAID TO SAY

HERE’S A

BIG LARGE HEALTH BENEFIT LADEN SALARAY….

SONG: “HER NAMETAG SAID CANDEE”

RICHARD:

SCOTT

SCOTT:

WHAT.

RICHARD:

IT’S HER IT’S HER IT’S HER.

IT’S HER!

SCOTT:

WHAT? THE GIRL FROM THE MILKSHAKE SHOP?

RICHARD:

THE ONE THAT I’VE DREAMING ABOUT

HE NAME TAG SAID, “CANDEE”

SO, LAST WEEK
IT WAS HOT OUTSIDE AND I DROPPED BY THE SHAKE SHOP
TO COOL OFF

AND WHEN I WENT INSIDE I SAW A GIRL THERE
WHO REALLY KNOCKED MY SOCKS OFF

HER NAMETAG HAD A WORD WROTE ON IT
THAT I HOLD IN HIGH REGARD TODAY

HER NAMETAG SAID:

CANDEE CANDEE CANDEE
CANDEE CANDEE CANDEE
MILKSHAKE GIRL

I SORT OF KIND OF SORT OF LIKE YOU

SCOTT:

I SEE SO LAST WEEK
IT WAS HOT OUTSIDE AND SO YOU
DROPPED BY THE SHAKE SHOP TO
COOL OFF

AND WHEN
WHEN YOU WENT INSIDE
YOU SAW A GIRL THERE
WHO REALLY KNOCKED
YOUR SOCKS OFF

RICHARD:

IT WAS GETTING
KIND OF HOT OUTSIDE
AND SO I DROPPED BY THE
SHAKE SHOP.

I WAS CRAVING
I WAS DYING FOR
SOMETHING COLD AND
SOMETHING SWEET THAT
REALLY CANNOT QUITE
BE BEAT
MILKSHAKE MILKSHAKE!

SCOTT/RICHARD:

HER NAMETAG HAD A WORD WROTE ON IT
THAT YOU/I HOLD IN HIGH REGARD TODAY

RICHARD:

THE NAMETAG SAID

RICHARD/SCOTT:

CANDEE CANDEE CANDEE
CANDEE CANDEE CANDEE

MILKSHAKE GIRL.

RICHARD:

I SORT OF KIND OF SORT OF LIKE YOU

BUT CAN I TALK TO HER?
WILL I EVER FIND A WAY
TO TALK TO HER

BUT CAN I SAY HI TO HER
DON’T THINK I COULD EVER SAY
HI TO HER

NO NO NO WELL YES
NO NO NO

I MIGHT COULD SAY HI!

CANDEE:

AT LAST

I FOUND A FOOL
OF A MAN
I MIGHT HAVE

A CHANCE TO LANCE
A JOB HERE
I THINK I’LL JUST

SAY THAT I LOVE HIM
SAY THAT I WANT HIM

AND I’M IN!

CANDEE:
CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING

RICHARD:
UMMM

CANDEE:
NEED SOME EXTRA TIME.

RICHARD:
NO.
I’D LIKE A BLACK CHERRY MILKSHAKE.

CANDEE:
OH

(RICHARD AND SCOTT SING EARLIER PARTS)

WHEN YOU’RE A MILKSHAKE GIRL
THERE’S A SUBTLE CONNOTATION
A FEELING OF INCOMPETENCE

RICHARD/SCOTT:

HER NAMETAG SAID
CANDEE CANDEE CANDEE
CANDEE CANDEE CANDEE
MILKSHAKE GIRL

I SORT OF KIND OF SORT OF LOVE YOU

SONG: CENTURION BLACK

SCOTT:

I’M GETTING TIRED
OF THIS ARTISTIC LIFE
I THINK I’D LIKE TO FIND A SMALL PENTHOUSE
AND MABYE TAKE A WIFE

I’D SUPPORT OUR CHARGE
WITH ALL THE DOUGH I’D EARN

I WOULD APPLY FOR AN AMERICAN EXPRESS
AND MY APPLICATION WOULDN’T GET RETURNED

IT STARTS WITH GREEN
THEN IT GOES TO GOLD
NEXT IT’S PLATINUM
YOU’RE HAPPENIN’
YOU’RE BANKROLLED

IF YOU WANT TO PLAY
PAY THE ANNUAL FEE
AMERICAN EXPRESS CARD
YOU ARE FOR ME!

BARKLEY:

AH! BUT SCOTT, DID YOU KNOW?

AMERICAN EXPRESS HAD RUN INTO A PROBLEM
THEY FOUND THAT 1 PERCENT OF THEIR CARDHOLDERS WEREN’T
GETTING THE SERVICE THEY DESERVED.

THEY CREATED A CARD THAT WAS SO HARD TO GET THAT NOONE
HAD EVEN HEARD OF IT

UPGRADES ON ANY AIRLINE
A CONCIERGE SERVICE AT YOUR BECK AND CALL!

CENTURION BLACK CARD!
NOT MEANT FOR AVERAGE FOLK!
CENTURION BLACK CARD!
A CARD THAT MIGHT GIVE YOU HOPE.

SCOTT:

SO WHAT’S THE STORY OF THAT CARD???

BARKLEY:

WELL, SCOTT. THERE ONCE WAS A MAN WHO WANTED NOTHING MORE THAN TO OWN THE HORSE IN KEVIN COSTNER’S FILM “DANCES WITH WOLVES.” HE LOVED THE MOVIE AND HE LOVED THAT BEAUTIFUL STEED. WELL, ONE DAY HE CALLED AMERICAN EXPRESS. AND, AFTER A WEEK, THAT BRONCO WAS AT HIS DOORSTEP. THIS MAN HELD A BLACK CARD!

SCOTT:

WOW!!

BARKLEY:

ONCE YOUNG TIMMY WAS WORKING ON A SCHOOL PROJECT ABOUT THE DEAD SEA. HE TOLD HIS MOMMY THAT HE NEEDED SAND FROM THE DEAD SEA TO MAKE HIS PROJECT PERFECT!!! “MOMMY, MOMMY…I NEED THE SAND.” TIMMY’S MOMMY, A BLACK CARD HOLDER, CALLED AMERICAN EXPRESS. A COURIER WAS DISPATCHED, SAND WAS COLLECTED AND FEDEXED, AND TIMMY GOT AN “A” ON HIS PROJECT.

BARKLEY:

I CAN GET YOU ONE FREE
FOR THREE MONTHS
PAY NO FEE!

YOU CAN BUY UP ANYTHING YOU WANT
AND BILLS ARE ALL
ON ME!

SCOTT:

THANKS!

BARKLEY:

SUPPORT A CHILD

SCOTT:

OR BUY A FANCY SUIT

BARKLEY/SCOTT:

OR JUST PLAIN VISIT A FEW HOUSES OF ILL REPUTE!

SCOTT: